Bleed It Out/Waiting For The End

There are those times when it seems like nobody around you knows what the fuck is really going on. This past month has been one of those times for me. The Songs of The Day are Bleed It Out and Waiting For The End, both by Linkin Park. Yes it's a song about suicide, but I'm far from that. Suicide is for the weak, and I'm not as weak as my other self seems to think. No, this is the song of the day because sometimes you have to do something drastic to make people realize what the real problem is. Now it seems like everybody in my family that is involved or has taken interest in this situation is just blaming my actions on my friends and Rocket, and that's not right. My father says that I was "just chasing some girl" (to put it nicely, I'd not repeat what he called her.), which sucks because she was looking forward to possibly meeting him this week, but after all that was said today I'm not sure that I want him here. He doesn't understand that all of this has nothing to do with the bitter feud that he and my mother have. He doesn't get that this isn't just because I live with somebody other than him. I don't live with him because I know that I'll never live up to his expectations, but it seems that even here I can't escape being a huge fucking disappointment to the bastard. So I don't know what to do to make him understand that I don't need somebody else flipping shit on me when I've pretty much kicked the crap out of myself every day since I failed my friends. He doesn't have that guilt, he's never let anybody down the way I have.
Then there's my Grandmother, one of the only 3 people that doesn't make me feel fucking useless because of this. No, she just makes me feel more guilty. There are only three things that really hurt me about all this. They are, in this order, letting down my grandparents, not being able to see Rocket as much, and knowing that my feeling of overall failure is justified. My Grandma and Grandpa (on my fathers side) are the people that are my inspiration to succeed. Even before I met Rocket, or my brothers in Florida, I knew I had to be famous to pay them back. They are first on my list of people to help when I make it. Of course my grandmother always wanted me to be a doctor, lawyer, or scientist, so a profession in the arts was out of the question to her, so I changed my plan a bit to where I could still be happy without being a disappointment. I know it sounds petty, but they are some of the most important people in my life, and I can't let them down. I'm seriously afraid that they might die if I go to juvie. I'm not fucking kidding.
In other news I "finished" my new mask. It's kind of a demonic skull looking face. It was originally orange, so I repainted it all white, and I wear it with a kind of ninja hood behind it so that the black and white contrast. I'm going to splatter it with red paint to look like blood splatter. It's gonna be sick.
Readers, what's your song of the day?


Music=Life